The Historical Election New and Improved

THE ROCK IN MY STOMACH, THE RACISM IN MY BLOOD

"If nothing ever changed, there'd be not butterflies." –Author Unknown

Change, it usually leads to beauty. Then why do I have this rock in my stomach, why am I so confused, so worried, so frightened? Could this beautiful butterfly turn out to be a moth? Change, was a word heard every day during this historical election. On every poster in yards, in the debates, and in their speeches. "The Change We Need."
Obama and McCain both preached this message and the crowds would go wild. That is what everyone seemed to want, same with me, I wanted change, but did I get a little more than I bargained for? I got America's first black president, one of its youngest presidents, with brand new radical ideas. One I feel is a new idea, and I don’t really agree with is Obamas idea of taking from the rich giving to the poor. I believe, along with my family and what other presidents enforced, in the trickle down effect, the traditional method we have used for years, and that those who work hard for their money, deserve it.
When I saw Obamas votes rise further and further above McCain's I froze. It finally hit me, we aren't going to have another white haired, old wrinkly, republican president. At the age of 16 this is all I know of and for many others have known.
Change, "Change is never easy"- Naomi Judd. I have always believed this, and that humans are afraid of drastic change, naturally, that is just who we are, but at the moment I feel as if I am the only one that feels this way. Could I just be the typical Republican, who stereotypically believes in not that much change, believes in tradition, or could it be more then that?
Could these feelings inside me go back decades ever centuries? My family has never really been associated with black people, not purposely, it has just seemed to happen that way. We have never really had good friends that were black, worked with many blacks or even go to school with many. My grandfather was never fond of them, didn’t like working with African Americans when it the army. This isn't his fault but he was raised in the south, raised with these racism beliefs. His and also my family tree could have had slave owners in it.
I had never had anything against African Americans, at least I thought I didn’t until this election. Once I heard we would have an African American leading our country, I felt that rock in my stomach, my very trustworthy gut feeling. I was scared, and didn't know why. I was worried with no explanation. Could this rock in my stomach be there because I have racism in my blood? I always listen carefully to my gut feeling. It isn't my peers or family’s beliefs that were fed to me, it isn't my hard head blocking my thinking, it is my unconscious feelings, which are fully pure. Could there really about to be something bad coming from this or do I just have my elders blood.
Change, will he change it all? Our whole lives, the stock market, the housing market, the job opportunities, and the taxes. We have heard his plans, and for some reason I don't trust that he will stick to his plans, for some reason I feel he has been lying about his plans this whole time, just giving his amazing speeches to get into office and then change some of what he said. This could also just be the racism in my blood, this untrustworthy feeling towards him, is that also all from my elders blood. The racism inside me I just can't really control.
Change, "After you've done a thing the same way for two years, look over it carefully. After five years, look over it with suspicion. After ten years throw it away and start all over." – Alfred Edward Perlman, New York Times, 3 July, 1958
Maybe this is true, maybe we do need to throw it all away and start all over. Coincidentally the year of 1958 was the year of Brown V. Board of Education, which was the beginning of the end of racism. Could it be time for change? Will a beautiful butterfly come from these years in a dark cocoon?
Am I just blinded by the fear of change and see a moth instead of a butterfly breaking from the dark cocoon? Except I do feel it is deeper then that, I do feel some racism arising inside me, and my love for tradition is just the cherry on top to bring on this fear of a African American leader. Do I still look down upon them, do I must still feel that whites should rule.
This is hard for me to say and probably hard for others to hear, but way deep down I do feel racism inside me, and this is where my fear is coming from, I am afraid of a black president. The racism in my blood is not nearly as strong as my elders, as if mine was filtered only leaving a little left in me, just enough to fear a black person with great power. Just enough left, that this conflict inside myself was just now brought up during this historical election. I must filter more of that racism out, so that I don’t doubt Obama, but support him as the next president of the United States, because I am ready for change, I am ready to see butterflies.

-Emily Stellick, 16